The Beginning of an End

The Beginning of an End

And it’s all gonna vanish

The way we first met,
As our eyes gleamed and connected across the classroom.
The way we said hello
Never knowing if it was the beginning of something real.
The way we laughed
At something we never knew we had a mutual liking for.
And the way we cried
When something hurt each one of us, that wasn’t even a big deal. 

The way we loved
Sometimes like matchsticks, burning with extreme intensity.
And sometimes we loved
Like the stillness of the wind on a clear night.
The way we got broken
Shattering our hearts into pieces innumerable.
And the way we helped
Healing each other as we put the pieces back together, in the places right.

The way we fought
Hiding the pain we felt in letting each other go.
And the way we stayed
When we realized that it was us against the world.
The way we got lost
Trying to figure ourselves out in this huge mess called life.
And the way we found ourselves
Learning to love each other, while lying on the sofa, curled.

The way we danced
Trying to learn and copy the steps, wishing we were pros.
And the way we stumbled
And launched into a fit of laughter when we figured out it just wasn’t for us.
The way we fell
Just hoping that we wouldn’t crash on the cold concrete floor. 
And the way we got up
With the help of a friend in this world, glad we didn’t bite the dust.

All is going to vanish
As we turn to step out,
Out into the real world
Away from each other. 

Trying to find ourselves again
Hoping to figure life out,
Wishing we would find someone
Just like we did then.

And we would find a new beginning,
A beginning to a new end.

To The One Who Got Away

Hey you!

Yes, you! It’s you that I’m writing about, months later than I should have been. I’ve moved on. I am finally happy and comfortable with what I have right now and I’m not craving for more, of anything, of you.

You might not know this, and you still might not want to know this, but I was stuck. For quite a long time.

I was, what people call, a “fool” who rushed in, way too soon, with all that she had. I felt used, stupid, foolish. I mean really, who does that? Wait around for something or someone, who they know, deep in their hearts, is never coming back? Fools.

And now that I’ve been a so-called fool, I realize, I am not. I’m just a person who does not know how to put boundaries and limits on the love she has for someone.

I’m hopeless. A hopeless romantic. And maybe, you weren’t hopeless enough to handle my hopelessness. And that’s okay!

This is not a write-up about the guy who shattered my heart into pieces. This is about what a good person he was, just not the right one for me.

What we had was special, at least for me. I’d wait around the whole day just for those long night walks. I loved your song collection. I loved how you always liked the songs with a story behind them. I loved the way your hair fell over your chocolate-brown eyes sometimes, the way your smile reached your eyes, the way your deep rumbling laugh echoed in my head long after you had gone. I loved how your hand felt in mine, how your hugs sent warmth over my whole body, how your touch felt like fireworks. I loved how it never felt awkward with you, how I could always be myself with you, how I wasn’t afraid when I was with you. I loved how your presence calmed me down and made me feel at home.

And then, you left. Slowly, yet all at once. I couldn’t figure out what happened, but I didn’t have it in me to ask you. I know this might sound stupid, but that’s how I am. I have difficulty in asking people why they left, and have difficulty letting them go too. So being the kind of person I am, I held on. For way too long, I kept holding on to that rope that once connected me with you, even after it hurt my hands. Since you never told me that you have left, I kept hoping you were coming back. I ignored all the advice and warnings from my friends and kept on wishing on that little shooting star.

Time passed. Months later, I started healing. As I always do. It took me quite a long time this time, but knowing that you were happy in your life which didn’t include me, I started being happy in my own. I started appreciating myself more, I started making peace with people around me more, and most importantly, I made peace with myself.

This is not a write-up blaming you for anything. This is to thank you, for being a great teacher of a life lesson, for I now know what I want. I know what I wouldn’t settle for, thanks to you. You were one of the best things to happen to me, and now, because of you, I know there exists better. I do not hate love, nor have I put up boundaries or walls around my heart. I will still love with all my heart.

You will always be a friend to me. No matter how much my friends tell me it would hurt, it won’t. I have made peace with you, my past, and myself. I’m happy now. Thank you!

Letter to the Best Friend

Letter to the Best Friend

Hey best friend.

It’s been way too long since I have met you. And yes, I know, the physical distance between us doesn’t really matter, as we’ve grown up this way, but I don’t think I have ever missed you this much.

Everything is just going downhill. And no matter how upbeat and positive I try to keep myself, being the micawber that I am, I’m not sure I’m really happy.

There are so many things that I have no idea how to deal with. I know we share everything, but this just feels like too much burden to put on you, when I know that you’ve got hundreds of problems of your own. Problems that are way too serious than mine. How could I ever let you know that the person you’ve always looked to for strength, is losing her own. How could I let you know that the person you think so highly of, is losing herself.

I don’t want you to know that. I still want to be the person who you think I am. This world is too incomprehensible for me. I don’t understand how it works. All I understand is that it constantly pushes me and pulls me down, simultaneously, and day by day, it’s getting harder to rise above all of it. I don’t wanna have a meltdown, and I don’t wanna give up. But it looks like I’ll have to.

I won’t tell this to anyone, and I know if I tell you, you’ll be there for me in a heartbeat, but I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want you to see me being so vulnerable. I promise I’ll be back to normal in no time. This thing that I have going on in my brain is too depressing, and I don’t like it. I wanna rise above it all. I wanna let go of everything that is hurting me, let go of everyone who has taken me for granted. I couldn’t do it before, but I think I finally can.

I did not have the courage to tell this to you to your face, but I hope you’ll forgive me for that. I know you will, because I know that no matter who leaves, you won’t. I’m gonna get over this because of you, and for that, I can’t thank you enough.

I love you.