9 Months Later…

I turned 26. Without you. I started my Masters. Without you. I met your friends. Without you. I met your family. Without you. I bought a new laptop. Without you. I am living life. Without you. It still hasn’t gotten any easier, and I don’t know how to miss you any less than I do every day.

I didn’t write to you last month. I just couldn’t bring myself to. Mala left for London on the 11th, and even though I had a lot to tell you, I just couldn’t process everything at once. And writing on any other date just felt like cheating. Just so you know, I really hate the 11th day of every month now. I just, nope.

Anyway, let me try to update you on the last 2 months and the whirlwind that they’ve been. Firstly, and most importantly, I miss you, in case that hasn’t been clear. I cleared the exam I told you about. Got a pretty high rank, and I really hope you’re proud of me. All the car formalities got done and I have been actually driving around almost every single day now. I wish I could drive you around, you’d be so happy with my driving skills. I have also been trying to maintain and strengthen the relationships with family and cousins and old friends, just like you always did, and it just makes me miss you even more. That is mostly because everyone tells me stories of you, even if they’ve known you through me, you still gave them so much. It really makes me miss you and be you at the same time.

I am crying a lot less now, though. It is probably because I have tried to fill up my time with a lot of other things like books, people, drives, and tennis. Oh yeah, I started playing tennis again after years! I also went for dinners, driving alone, even though they were just with cousins, but still! I feel like a grownup.

It is so weird how now, everyone treats me like this adult when I was considered a child just last year. I wanna be a child again, if that means I can have you back, Papa. You have no idea how much I’d be ready to give up if that means I could hear you call me Princess once more, if I could have you celebrate my birthday with me again, if I could just hug you again. It is just unfair.

Anyway, as I have been promising you and myself, I have understood how to state my boundaries. I have found the right kind of people to talk to, I have let go of the toxic ones, I have figured out who my real friends are, and I haven’t closed myself off. And you know, a lot of people do call me stupid for being trusting of everyone, but they don’t know that I’m just trying to live my life just like you did, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to trust them”. I am just trying to be half the human you were, Papa. Just half the icon you were.

One thing has definitely become easier, though. Talking about you. I joke about it, mostly because I can’t keep a straight face, but it has become easier. A mention of you doesn’t instantly make me want to break down, even though it eventually does, but hey, that’s progress! I don’t have any more updates to give even though I constantly want to ramble to you, which I anyway do, just not on the internet, hehe. This is mostly because now my laptop is drenched and I should really stop crying over the keyboard if I want to save it from crashing on me.

I just miss you, Papa. I miss you so much. I constantly, constantly wish you were right here. I love you.

Love,
Your Princess.